How to Make Real Friends as an Adult
The older we get, the harder cultivating meaningful friendships becomes. I think it’s because as kids, we are more inclined to be unashamedly ourselves. We are who we are and we don’t feel pressure to prove or perform until we get a little bit older.
But let me be the one to tell you that it is SO possible to build Rachel - Monica - Phoebe level friendships even as an adult.
Y’all see me posting about my in real life community over on Instagram fairly often. Community is essential. Like we were actually created to operate in community. We were not meant to do life alone! The older I get, the more I understand the VALUE of knowing who your people are. And hey, if you feel like you lack community, don’t wallow, babe. No. Go BE community for someone.⠀
Be an encourager.⠀
Show up for people.⠀
Ask questions.⠀
Love them where they’re at. That’s how you find your people.⠀
While I’ve had a core group of people who have been in my life for almost 15 years, I have built some genuine friendships as an adult too. So let’s talk about where you can make friends and how to make friends as an adult. Before we get into that stuff though, I want to go over what a true friend is. I feel like a lot of us know but some people have been exposed to toxic friendships that they don’t realize aren’t the real deal.
“To me, a true friend:
+ Walks alongside you through all seasons of life: the ones worth celebrating and the ugly, hard ones too. They stick by your side for it all not just when it’s convenient or beneficial for them.
+ Respects and understands how you process your feelings and communicate them - this is something that I’ve learned as an adult - that all people handle emotions differently and that it’s our responsibility to be empathetic and respect that not everyone handles things the same way we do.
+ Encourages you in your dreams but also checks your motives to make sure that you’re remaining true to your values and gives you space in their life to do the same.”
Not all friendships are going to look or feel the same and that is AMAZING. We need diverse friendships in our lives. It keeps us learning and growing as individuals. I encourage you to take some time to define what a good friendship is for you. Not only will it allow you to communicate your needs to your friends but it will help you be more aware of how you can show up as a better friend yourself. Always remember that friendship is rooted in loving and understanding one another.
The start of having true friendships as an adult is honestly weeding out the toxic ones to make room for healthy ones. Cutting ties to toxic friendships sucks but it’s usually better in the long run because it allows you to spend your time and energy pouring into friendships that are real and emotionally healthy. Okay so let’s get into the how-to, shall we? Where to make friends:
Spend time in public places
As an adult, it’s really easy for us to get unknowingly attached to our routines - work, home, repeat. But you can’t expect to meet people if you don’t put yourself in situations where you’re around people.
Since I work from home, I like to take my laptop to a local coffee shop like once a week to get myself around other people. Now I don’t walk up in there and make a new BFF every week but I’ve met a handful of people through just sitting and working in a coffee shop. If I see someone who has a similar interest to me, for example, they have a sticker on their laptop of a brand I like or I notice their backpack or purse is really cute - I tell them! You can’t be afraid to start conversations if you want to establish new friendships.
And you have to be okay with the conversation being: “Hey I really love your purse!” “Thanks! I got it at Target!” and ending there. Not every conversation is going to go somewhere but don’t take it personally. Pay attention to the signals and vibes someone is putting out - I always like to say to “read the room” - if someone has their headphones in and they’re deep into typing something on their laptop it’s probably not the best time to start up a chat but if y’all are waiting in line then by all means.
Other places you could go: libraries, parks, cafes - choose places that you genuinely enjoying spending time because chances are you’ll meet someone with similar interests that way.
Join some sort of hobby group
I’m in a women’s bible study at my church that meets bi-weekly and I’ve met a few new friends that way! Or you can join a co-ed kickball league, which might sound random but my husband and I actually want to do this so it’s on my mind, lol. We like doing active things so it’s ideal to meet other people who like being active. I wouldn’t plan to go meet a new group of friends in a bar necessarily because I don’t spend a lot of my free time typically hanging out at bars. Another good example is a book club or running club. Choose things that are true to you and your interests!
This one might sound weird but - SOCIAL MEDIA!
I’ve met some of my best friends through social media: blogging, Instagram, and YouTube have connected me with women all over the country who I speak to regularly. I met one of my bridesmaids through blogging. One of my current best friends - we met because she followed my fitness Instagram (RIP @glistenfit) and figured out that we lived near one another and knew some of the same people.
I text back and forth with multiple women who I’ve met through Instagram. And they are REAL conversations, too - these women pray with me and for me and cheer me on through the seasons of life I’m in. If you connect with someone’s content, tell them! And don’t just send them a heart emoji and expect them to get the gist. You’ve got to put in the effort to consume their content and leave thoughtful feedback consistently.
Through other friends
This is probably one of the “easiest” ways to make friends as an adult because you can use your mutual friend as a buffer in a way. They can be the person who guides the conversation without you having to feel pressure to think of what to say on your own. If you are a shy person, this might be a good way for you meet new people! The way that I meet friends of friends is usually at some sort of celebratory event: weddings, showers, birthday dinners, etc. Be willing to attend things like this if you want to have the opportunity to meet new people.
If you get overwhelmed being around a lot of people (can relate, lol) do some mindset work before you go - give yourself a pep talk and remind yourself that you don’t have to spend time with every single person there and go into the situation with the expectation that you are going to meet some really awesome new people. I’m a big believer that our thoughts mold our reality so if you think “OMG this is going to be terrible. I’m not going to know anyone.” then you’re probably right. But if you go into it thinking, “Okay this is a great opportunity to meet other people my age in my area.” then you’re also probably right.
Conferences and workshops
As a business owner, I think it’s important to have other business-minded friends. They can help grow and challenge me in that area of my life. A good way to meet specific types of people is by attending conferences and workshops. Maybe you’re wanting to surround yourself with people who are committed to their health and fitness - you can look up a fitness expo that is in a nearby city. There are conferences for pretty much every kind of thing these days - hop on Google and type in something that interests you with the word “workshop” or “conference” at the end. Maybe you love hand lettering and want to make more friends who share that: type in “Hand lettering workshops in YOUR CITY” and see what you can find.
“You’ve got to be willing to put yourself out there in order to meet new people. You’ve got to be willing to be vulnerable. And let’s be real, you’ve got to be willing to embrace the awkwardness that sometimes comes with navigating a new relationship. If you want to make new friends, then you’ve got to try new things!”
Once you’ve figured out WHERE to meet people, you’ve got to figure out HOW to meet people once you’re around them. How to make friends:
Start a conversation.
This seems like a no-brainer but like the coffee shop example from earlier, you have to be wiling to put yourself out there and start the conversation. Comment on someone’s shoes, ask them about the phrase on their shirt, just START a conversation. The more you do it, the more comfortable you’ll be at doing it. The first time you initiate a conversation might feel embarrassed but the more often you go for it, the less scary it will feel each time.Think about it: if someone approached you, what kind of things would you like to hear? Ask/say those kinds of things to others!
Offer value.
I know this sounds kinds of business-y (what can I say I own a business) but really, human nature is to wonder what is in it for me? So if we can kind of show people what we’re going to bring to the table that is their life, they’re probably going to let their guard down a bit. If you see them doing something and you have a hack for it, offer it to them!
I have a funny example actually: I was in the restroom at a local coffee shop and I couldn’t get the stall door to latch shut. A girl saw me struggling for a few seconds and she told me that she figured out the trick to latching that stall shut. She showed me, we laughed, then out in the coffee shop we ended up sitting next to each other and having a real conversation and working alongside one another on our laptops. People like to know that you’re not out to get them or compete with them or intimidate them. Break down barriers by offering something.
Make it a priority and meet people where they’re at.
It’s no secret that most adults have a lot of responsibilities. It’s also important to note that we are all living different lives and are in different seasons. Maybe someone who you’ve been friends with for YEARS just had a baby but you don’t have kids yet. Respect the fact that she can’t go to brunch every Sunday anymore and instead of throwing a pity party about it, bring a fun little brunch to her one Sunday and offer to go on a walk with her and her new babe. Meet people where they’re at.
Another thing that you’ve got to be willing to do to make friendship a priority in your life is:
Leaving margin in your schedule for friendships to grow and blossom.
If you fill your schedule to the brim and don’t leave space to incorporate pouring into important relationships then you can’t expect to grow and maintain solid friendships. In the 6-week Hustle Sanely group coaching program that I run few times a year, we actually build our schedules AROUND pouring into the important relationships in our lives.If you don’t make your relationships a priority then there is no way they are going to thrive, you know? Which speaking of the 6-week Hustle Sanely program, I know a few gals who have created friendships by going through my group coaching program together - how freaking cool is that?!
I recently had a conversation with a friend of mine about how it’s normal for friendships to ebb and flow. Sometimes one friend is going to have to show up more for the other friend if they are going through a tough season and vice versa. Don’t always expect your friendships to be equally yoked BUT know that when you need to be scooped up, they’ll be there for you, too. We have to choose to honor the seasons and situations that are friends are in. If someone is in grad school and their free time is way more limited than it used to be, don’t handle it by writing them off. Instead ask how you can support them and show up.
“The kind of friend you are is going to be the kind of friends you attract. The golden rule people: treat others the way you want to be treated.
Be the friend that you want to have.”
Making friends as an adult doesn’t have to be hard. I encourage you to do a little mindset check and instead of viewing it as HARD view it as an opportunity to love on more people and learn more about yourself. And like I mentioned earlier, don’t expect people to come flocking to you wanting to be besties. If you want to establish a strong community then, girl, you’ve got to go be that for other people.
Did you enjoy this post? Head on over to the podcast and listen in to the episode about how to make friends as an adult:
You can also use the social icons below to share this post with your people 💛 I appreciate you!