When Your Partner Isn't a Dreamer Like You
Today’s topic - how to navigate being in a relationship with someone who isn’t a dreamer like you.
Chances are, if you’re reading this, you consider yourself a dreamer. You have big ambitions and you’re willing to put in the work to make them happen. But maybe the person you’re with - either dating or married to - doesn’t share the same kind of enthusiasm as you when it comes to talking about and pursuing big dreams.
Let me be the first one to say, I can relate!
My husband and I have been together since I was 16 and I’m 30 now. And we are wired completely different. I would consider myself a hardcore dreamer while I wouldn’t quite give him that label.
But here’s the thing - I used to think that because he didn’t express his dreams the way that I express mine, that he didn’t have any. I can vividly recall conversations from early on in our marriage where I would hound him to “share his dreams with me.”
I wanted him to sit down with me and walk me through his big vision and plan to achieve his heart’s desires. Because that’s how I like to share my dreams with other people. I remember getting aggravated with him for not having something to share. For not pushing himself to think bigger and get passionate about something.
I was coming from a good place deep down. I’ve always been one to have some sort of dream in progress. First it was my blog Lovely Little Things (shout out if you’ve been here since then, seriously). Then it was my online fitness business, Glisten Fit. Then I wanted to pursue speech-language pathology and The Social Speechie was born. And now I’m here running with this dream that I call Hustle Sanely.
I’ve had the opportunity to be excited about all the things that I’ve pursued. I’ve been able to wake up pumped to work and create and build a dream. But that wasn’t the case for Adam. Adam has been working the same job for 10 years - and it’s a good job. The pay is decent. The benefits are solid. It’s pretty secure. But he’s never been passionate about it. It’s always just been a job, you know? I wanted so badly for him to experience that thrill of running after something that sets your heart on fire.
Honestly at the beginning stages of our marriage when I would try to pry these dreams out of him, we were not exactly rolling the dough so his dream was probably making sure that his family was provided for, but I didn’t see it that way.
Over the years, I’ve learned that everyone is a dreamer. I’m not just saying that. I really do believe it.
Being married to Adam, I’ve learned how to have constructive conversations regarding stuff like this, and I’ve got 3 things that I want you to keep in mind when you’re not dating a dreamer.
3 Things to Keep in Mind When You’re Not Dating a Dreamer:
1. All dreams are different.
It’s really easy to think your partner isn’t a dreamer because their dream doesn’t look like yours. But the truth is, no 2 dreams look alike. I know you know that but just wanted to remind you because I wish someone would’ve reminded me of that when I was struggling with this! And guess what else? No dream is more valid than another.
I know, kind of hard to hear but you know I’m saying it with love. I used to think that if someone didn’t want to start their own business from the ground up and have this giant empire-type thing that their dream was mediocre. That’s a really crappy mindset. Because we actually need people who don’t want that. After a whole lot of self-reflection, learning, and growing, I now know that the dream to be a stay at home mom and create a peaceful home for your family is just as important of a dream as starting your own business or becoming an Olympic athlete or whatever.
It’s about where our hearts are not the dreams themselves. We have to learn to respect and acknowledge that not everyone desires the same kinds of things that we do. And we really need to remember that all dreams are needed.
We need people who dream of being doctors.
We need people who dream of starting Etsy shops.
We need people who dream of being authors.
We need people who dream of being speakers at conferences.
A little action step for you: stop comparing dreams - let people learn and grow and step into their kind of dream on their own timeline. No matter how hard you try, you can’t dream up someone else’s dream for them.
2. People express their dreams differently.
This is major, you guys. When Adam and I first got together and I would share my dreams with him (back then I wanted to be a wedding planner) and I expected him to jump up and down with me followed by him gushing about his wildest dreams in the same manner I had.
I don’t know why I thought he would or expected him to react that way because that kind of reaction doesn’t go with his personality. Adam is steady. He is level-headed. Instead of squealing, he’d ask questions:
“Have you thought about this?”
“Okay but what if this happens?”
I used to think he was trying to tear my dream down but after talking to him (years later) about his way of responding to things like me sharing dreams, this is his way of showing support. Asking questions to him is actually pushing me into the dream not ripping it out from under me. He was trying to get me to be eye-level with my dreams. To see them from a realistic perspective.
So then you have to think of this when you’re asking your partner about his or her dreams - maybe you’re asking questions that don’t motivate them even though they’re questions that might excite you.
Try asking different questions and pay close attention to how you deliver these questions. Maybe instead of grilling them about hey, what’s your next step? What’s your plan? C’mon don’t you have something you want to do?
Try something like:
What’s your heart’s biggest desire?
What excites you?
What do you think your life is going to look like in 5 years?
What’s your favorite part about what you do right now?
You’re really good at X, have you ever thought about trying Y?
Approach your partner with grace and patience when it comes to dream sharing. You have to be okay with their dream being working hard at their current 9-5 and providing for their family. You have to accept that they might not do cartwheels around the living room when you tell them you heart’s desire is to open an Etsy shop. Remember that you are talking to the person that you love and who loves you. Meet them where they’re at and invite them to do the same for you.
3. Appreciate your differences instead of seeing them as obstacles.
Honestly, I can’t imagine what our lives would’ve been like when we first got married if Adam and I were both full force going after big dreams. I picture a lot of burnout. A lot of chaos. A lot of financial instability. And not a lot of time spent together.
We both could’ve ended up so wrapped up in our dreams that we didn’t keep our relationship a priority. I’m so thankful that our dreams have unfolded within our hearts in different seasons of our lives - which I explain in the podcast episode linked at the bottom of this post.
It’s totally okay to take shifts, if you will, when pursuing dreams alongside your partner. Adam and I talk about this often - him supporting me going after my dream of getting Hustle Sanely up and running is actually a super active role in my dream. I didn’t see it like that until he pointed it out. Adam keeps me grounded as I’m running toward my vision.
He reminds me to take it slow and intentionally. To enjoy the process. He helps tremendously around the house - he cooks meals. Takes care of chores with me. Helps make sure our pups are taken care of. A lot of things would fall through the cracks at home if it wasn’t for Adam. The first few years of starting a business, which as you know, is my dream, are time consuming and require a lot of energy.
I challenge you to flip the script and ask yourself, “How do I feel supported by my partner in this season?” instead of harping on them all the time to hurry up and dream up a dream.
Adam has told me before that watching me passionately pursue dream after dream inspired him. So while it may not have felt like it in the moment, I know that over time, seeing me go for it really did encourage him. Instead of hounding your partner to be a dreamer, keep encouraging them by involving them in your dream - thank them for supporting you. Show them the progress you’re making. Let them ask you questions without getting defensive.
We’re all dreamers - we just have different dreams.
If you enjoyed this post, tune into episode 046 of The Hustle Sanely Podcast to listen into this topic!
