Stop Saying Sorry for These 4 Things
I'm all for saying "sorry" when it needs to be said - taking ownership of your words and actions shows emotionally maturity. However, I do think that we tend to over-apologize. When we do that, it waters down the words, “I’m sorry,” and alters how we perceive what kinds of things we truly do need to offer apologies for.
That’s kind of the purpose of this post - to bring to light some things that I often hear women in this community apologizing for that, to be honest, I don’t think they should be sorry about.
Today, I'm sharing 4 things that you need to stop apologizing for if you want to Hustle Sanely!
Hustling Sanely is all about pursuing your dreams without sacrificing your mental health and relationships...which means that it’s a priority to care for the people in your life as you pursue your dreams. I don’t want this post to be mistaken for you acting like a steamroller, doing or saying whatever you want in the name of making your goals happen. No.
These 4 things that you’re apologizing for, though, are actually healthy habits to have and that’s why I don’t think they require an apology:
01. Setting and sticking to boundaries
And I’m talking all different kinds of boundaries here. Boundaries with your time, your energy, your space. All of it. If you didn’t know, we have a whole podcast episode on setting healthy boundaries annnnd in July, setting healthy boundaries is the topic for Hustle Sanely BFFs because it is so important!
Here’s the thing - we are each only capable of so much in a day, a week, a month, a year, etc. We are humans which means our capacities are limited. I know you’ve heard the saying, “You can’t pour from an empty cup.” but let’s really dig into that for a second. Picture yourself holding a cup out in front of you. It’s full. You pour a little out then tilt the cup back up. Before you have the chance to turn on the faucet and re-fill the cup, you pour out a little more. Then you do that again. And again. And again.
The more times you pour without getting under the facet to refill, the harder it is to pour (because the water that’s left is all the way at the bottom of the cup and has to travel further to get out). It’s going to take more energy from you. Eventually, the water is going to be completely gone because you’ve been living in a constant state of pouring without making it a priority to get under the faucet to refill. When you have nothing in your cup - you have nothing to offer others. Even if you really want to - because an empty cup is an empty cup.
Stop apologizing for setting and sticking to boundaries because these boundaries are what protect your mental health, your peace, and your ability to continue pouring.
Now hear me out - pouring is a GOOD THING! TO me, pouring is usually parallel to serving others. I’m not telling you to stop pouring and focus only on yourself. I’m just reminding you that you can’t live in a constant pouring state without running out of stuff to pour.
Pouring can look like:
~ Helping someone move
~ Answering DMs asking for advice
~ Stopping what you’re doing to run and do something for someone else (that isn’t an emergency)
~ Having emotionally charged conversations
~ Signing up to volunteer for an event
Now here’s the catch - in order to stop apologizing for sticking to your boundaries, you’ve got to create them first. Go listen to that episode linked in the show notes on creating healthy boundaries if you need support with that! Your boundaries are going to look totally different than mine (or anyone else’s) because we are different people, living different lives, with different capacities.
When you stick to your boundaries, you are taking care of yourself so that you can continue showing up well for the people in your life so stop saying sorry for them!
02. Saying no to things that don’t align with your vision/values
This kind of goes along with setting boundaries but I feel like it deserved to be its own bullet point because I’ve got a lot to say about saying no.
I like to picture my “yeses as a budget-type situation. Let me explain:
Let’s say you have the time and energy to say YES to 3 medium-sized events each week - maybe a dinner, a party, a fundraiser, a concert, whatever.
Maybe 3 medium-sized events is equal to 5 small events each week and 1 large event each week.
And when I’m using these size descriptors, I mean how much time and energy a task takes. So like a small event might be going to let your neighbor’s dog out for a walk, a medium event could be going to dinner with your family, and a large event might look like being the MC at your kid’s school’s fundraiser.
We all have different capacities so something that is large to you might be medium to someone else and vice versa. And don’t forget that our capacity changes based on our season! It’s all about grace-filled discipline.
But back to the budget analogy - you cannot say yes to 3 large events, 2 medium events, and 5 small events in the same week because your capacity budget is 3 medium-sized events. You could maybe do 3 small and 1 medium or 1 large and 1 medium but you don’t have enough money in your budget to do the 3 large, 2 medium, and 5 small events in the same week.
So 2 things that you need to do:
1. Define your priorities and figure out what aligns with your vision and values (hi, Key 2 to Hustling Sanely) AND
2. Determine your yes budget for the week.
Protect your yeses so you can do what you say yes to with excellence. When we spread our yeses too thin we - just like the DM example up there - start to feel burnt out and resentful. You saying yes to something that doesn’t align with your vision and values means you’re draining your energy from an actual priority and potentially robbing someone else who would really be fulfilled saying yes to what you're half-heartedly agreeing to do the opportunity of serving by doing whatever it is.
Stop saying sorry for saying no to things that don’t align with your vision and values so you can say yes to your true priorities.
03. Having feelings
I used to apologize ALL THE TIME for feeling certain things.
When I was sad - I’m sorry.
When I was overwhelmed - I’m sorry.
When I was tired - I’m sorry.
When I was upset - I’m sorry.
Why do we say sorry for FEELING something? What are feelings? Let’s get deep here for a sec - feelings are the emotional side of someone's character. And to take it further - emotions are a natural instinctive state of mind deriving from one's circumstances, mood, or relationships with others.
How we feel and how we act based on those feelings are 2 different things.
Calmly communicating how you feel is a sign of emotional maturity. Like don’t spew your anger all over someone by yelling obscenities at them - apologize if you do that - but you don’t need to be SORRY for feeling something because it’s an emotional response - a natural reaction to a circumstance. You can be sorry for how you act on those feelings but if you calmly and maturely communicate how you’re feeling - there is no need to be sorry for that. Communicating our feelings with one another is how we learn and grow.
In fact, I don’t think we can Hustle Sanely if we apologize for how we feel because when we apologize for feeling a certain way, it shifts our mindset - it builds a wall that prevents us from truly processing why we feel that way. And when we block our ability to process, we block our ability to grow.
Apologize for doing or saying something based on your feelings, sure. But don’t apologize for the actual feeling, make sense?
04. Charging for your expertise
We all have gifts right? Talents, skills, and strengths that we share with the world. But here is the thing, you are not entitled to have someone’s gifts given to you for free if they’re not initiating the giving.
When you go to Target, you don’t walk in and demand that someone open up a box of cookies so you can try one before you buy it. Now if they have a little table set up and they are giving out free samples of the cookie - you can take one to try before you buy it, right?
It’s kinda the same thought process here - I see this ALL THE TIME as someone who works online. I have a lot of friends and colleagues who work online too and based on conversations I’ve had with them and based on things I’ve felt myself, people who use their gifts to serve online oftentimes when we freely give give give (hi remember the empty cup analogy???) that leads to us spreading ourselves too thin which leads to overwhelm which leads to you not being able to show up well for ANYONE.
A lot of the times, the person who you are seeking free expertise from, especially if it’s someone who has an online business, has a plethora of free resources for you like blog posts, podcasts, IGTVs, downloadable guides, etc. so it’s inconsiderate to bypass those and expect them to cater to you directly for free.
And I’m sure this is the case, too, for people who use their gifts offline too. Like if you’re a wedding planner and someone calls you up and asks you to plan a 2-hour event for free before hiring you to plan their all-day wedding (I have seen this happen before - insert nervously sweating emoji here*).
Read the room - if you're asking your sister, who you have a super close relationship with, to help you plan your wedding because she is a wedding planner - cool - that’s between you and her.
This one kind of ties into the boundaries and saying no points because you have to create boundaries around sharing your expertise and that means you have to know when to say no. It’s not being rude or stingy - it’s first of all it’s protecting your mental health and energy so you can continue producing quality output and second of all, it’s honoring the investment of people who have paid for your expertise.
You are not required to give your time and energy away to people for free (other than your close circle of people, of course - like I said - read the room) so don’t say sorry when you tell them your rates for whatever they are asking you to do. Serve people well with your gifts, yes, but it’s also important to honor the time and energy that went into your training to gain the expertise that you have. You are not on call 24/7 for people.
Stop apologizing for honoring and respecting your expertise and also be mindful of what free expertise you may be trying to pry out of someone else by accident. Everyone’s time and energy are valuable - YOURS AND EVERYONE ELSE’S - so treat them that way! Honor your expertise and the expertise of others.
I want you to know something - in this space you are so loved and cared for! Your dreams, while not your identity, matter! I know how lonely it can be to run after your big, bold dreams if you feel like the people around you don’t quite get it. That’s EXACTLY why I created the Hustle Sanely BFF membership!
It’s a place where we can learn and grow together…personal development with a plan and accountability via the best community on the Internet (if you ask me…and I’m gonna pretend you did 😂)
You were not created to pursue your dreams alone, girl! There is a community here for you to link arms with!
If you enjoyed this post, tune into episode 066 of The Hustle Sanely Podcast to listen into this topic!
