4 Steps to Set Healthy Boundaries
Feeling stretched too thin? You might need to start setting some healthy boundaries! Today’s post will teach you 4 steps to set healthy boundaries.
We’re going to talk about what they are, why you need them, and how you can set them (because you know I can’t leave you without a solid action step).
I feel like summertime is a great time to define your boundaries because then come the fall, which is when most people’s schedules become busier, you have your boundaries set and you’ve been practicing them so you’ll be more inclined to stick to them.
In week 3 of The Hustle Sanely Program, we talk about boundaries in detail and anytime I talk with Hustle Sanely students about boundaries, it tends to ruffle a few feathers.
As in people tend to get kind of defensive when it comes to them. Now, before we go on, I want you to take a deep breath - like forreal take one. Unclench your jaw, shake out any tension in your body, and position yourself to receive today’s episode with an open mind and unoffendable spirit, okay?
I’m sharing this info with you because I love you and I know it’ll help you! This is not me pointing a finger at you or anything like that. Honestly, I’m still nailing down my own boundaries and it really is a practice to implement them. You have to choose your boundaries every day. You don’t apply them once and then you’re set forever. They will constantly be tested, constantly be pushed, and constantly need you to choose to enforce them.
Okay so let’s define what I mean by boundaries so we’re all on the same page here:
A boundary is defined as something that fixes a limit or extent.
So when it comes to setting boundaries in our lives, their purpose is to help us protect our time, energy, hearts, mental health, etc. Boundaries are actually a form of self-care if you think about it. Now there are tons of different types of boundaries that you can create - time, energy, relationship, work, - and in just a bit we’ll talk about how you can figure out what kind you need to create.
One thing I want to touch on is busting the idea that boundaries are selfish. To me, they are the opposite of selfish. Because boundaries are what equip us to show up well for our lives. When we have boundaries in place, we can operate in our daily lives from a healthy mindset. We’re able to pour into people and projects with our best energy because we’re not wasting energy on things that are outside of our boundaries.
Boundaries are sometimes seen as negative (which is why I think people get touchy about talking about them) because they are limiting, right? When you think of boundaries, do you think of keeping something out or away? I challenge you to shift that thinking and instead view them as protecting what’s inside - like your mental health, your heart, and your sanity - rather than emphasizing what’s on the outside.
Okay so now you know what boundaries are but why do you need them?
I touched on this one earlier but, having boundaries in place helps you spend your time and energy where they matter. It’s so easy for us to go through the motions of every day, just doing anything and everything that is asked of us because we don’t want to let people down.
I can totally relate to not wanting to let others down - I am a self-proclaimed recovering people pleaser over here. But, and this is based on real life conversations I’ve had, people actually respect you more when you have boundaries. We expect people to get upset with us if we have to decline something but if you present it as not letting them down but instead honoring a promise you made with yourself to stick to boundaries you set - chances are, they are going to be in your corner and want to support those boundaries you’ve created too.
Listen, if you don’t set boundaries for yourself, someone else is setting them for you. And I bet those people don’t have as much consideration for your vision, your time, or your energy as you do. You have got to take ownership of your life and create boundaries so you can go through your days from a place of energy instead of from a place of being burnt out and overwhelmed. Not having boundaries is a good way to overfill your plate which in turn leads to that burn out and overwhelm, you know?
When you’re protective of your time and energy because of the boundaries you have in place, your best effort will be going toward the things inside your boundary lines which are the things that point back to the vision you have for your life. Imagine giving your family and your friends the best of you instead of what’s leftover after you’ve poured yourself out to every single thing that’s been asked of you. You’ll have vigor to laugh and enjoy your family after work. You’ll be able to work on your side hustle without your eyelids attempting to clamp shut from exhaustion. You’ll be living from a thriving place of purpose instead of just surviving each day.
You know what boundaries are and why you need them but now we’re going to talk about how you can create them - next up, how do you actually set your own? I’ve broken this up into 4 steps so let’s get to it!
1. The first part of setting boundaries is, and I’m sure you will be shocked to hear this, get clear on your vision.
I’m pretty sure this is the first step to anything Hustle Sanely related that I tell you about, lol. But seriously, friends, having a clear vision of what you desire for your life, makes doing everything else so much more fluid because you can identify what aligns with that and what doesn’t. So if you haven’t taken time to get clear on your vision, DO THAT FIRST! And if you need a little support in that, head over to episode 031 of the podcast, and we will get you on your way to being crystal clear on what kind of life you want!
2. Take inventory of where your time and energy are going right now.
A lot of us feel like we’re going, going, going all day but when you sit down at the end of it all, you can't, for the life of you, recollect what you did. That’s because we’re so accustomed to going through the motions without being truly mindful of what’s going on. We live in a fast-paced society and we have to actively choose to not get swept up in that and to instead stay grounded and focus on what we’re doing.If we’re not aware of where our time and energy are going, as in, at the end of the day you can’t even remember what all you did or you’re struggling to figure out why the heck you’re so tired but yet you didn’t get closer to your goals or the vision you have for life, then we can’t set boundaries to help us.
3. Identify what is sucking up your time and energy.
Call out what is draining you but is not getting you closer to where you’re trying to go. So like obviously, when I was in grad school it drained me, but it was also getting me closer to my goal of becoming an SLP - which another obviously - my goals have since changed but it’s a good example. So in that case, I wouldn’t stop going to class even though it was draining because it was, in the long term, getting me closer to my goal of graduation.
Instead, I’d assess what was surrounding feeling drained from going to class. I had to ask myself questions like:
Was I getting enough sleep?
Was I taking time to step away from technology before class started (my classes were live online classes so if I was on the laptop all day then had to sit there for 3 more hours for class it was intense on my eyeballs and brain)?
Was I taking care of my body by fueling it with solid nutrition and getting in regular workouts so I’d have the physical energy to be present during class?
Was I cramming too much into my schedule leading up to class?
See what I mean? You have to get to the root of why something is draining you if you want to remedy it. Don’t feel guilty for guarding your energy, girl - we already talked about that. You have to guard your energy if you want to show up well for yourself and the important people in your life, cool?
4. Communicate them!
I like to do this for 2 reasons - one, when I tell my husband my close friends of boundaries that I’ve set for myself, you better believe they are holding me accountable to maintaining said boundaries. Like if I tell my husband I’m not working one day and I end up sneaking into my office he straight up calls me out, “Hey babe I thought you weren’t working today?” Sharing your boundaries with people you trust is a great way to stay accountable to them.
Next, you have to communicate your boundaries to people, and I’ve talked about this on the podcast before, but you can’t expect others to know the boundaries you’ve set for yourself if you don’t explicitly lay them out. Which means they won’t respect them because they don’t know they exist.
Now, it’s tempting to be vague when you’re telling someone a boundary because you feel bad or guilty or whatever but remember that boundaries are protecting your mental health, heart, and overall well being honestly so don’t be vague when you communicate them. Lay them out! You don’t want to back yourself into a corner by saying something like, “Oh I can’t volunteer next week because I have plans with my family on Sunday evenings but if you can’t find anyone else let me know.”
No. Instead say something like:
“Thank you for offering! My family and I have a commitment with one another to spend Sunday evenings making dinner together so I’m going to have to decline because it’s important to me to make sure my family knows they are a top priority to me.”
I call that a “no script” and I talk about those in The Hustle Sanely Program! So if you don’t have a no script, write one and then practice it so that when you’re faced with a situation where you have to present your boundaries you are confident in your delivery.
So to recap, the four steps to creating healthy boundaries:
1. Get clear on your vision.
2. Take inventory of where your time and energy are going.
3. Identify what is draining you but not getting you closer to your vision.
4. Communicate them.
Take some time to set some boundaries so you can show up well for your life - remember, boundaries don’t keep things out, they protect what’s inside!
If you enjoyed this post, tune into episode 039 of The Hustle Sanely Podcast to listen into this topic!
